Push Past Past Pain
Updated: Apr 11, 2021
My spirit led me to jump off the ledge & do a 5 day testimonial countdown as I share my journey to healing & manifestation from Fear, “Gray Rape”, Mental/Emotional Abuse, Child Loss (yup) and Loss of Self ...in order to serve as a testament of God’s power and greatness. More importantly to be understood and freed to make room for my next chapter.
A u t o p h o b i a
Is the fear of being alone or feeling lonely. (🗣Not cars people!) It is a phobia and a fear based disorder that causes irrational anxiety and extreme distress..my biggest challenge in life.
It would make sense now why one of my top love languages is quality time. I love being around people and having company.
People with autophobia feel the need to always have someone or have a specific person around because they fear they can’t do without them for various reasons. They associate being alone as lonely. They also have the hardest time letting go. This in turn can get in the way of living a happy and sensible life because now you’re getting in and staying in situations at the expense of yourself and this fear. People, things and animals are used as a crutch to cope.
Testimony: In my attempts to combat this fear, I’ve sought therapy over the years. I then started little by little doing things and going places by myself. Once God took the liberty in placing me in my own apartment in an area I never wanted to be, literally FAR away from EVERYONE, EVERYTHING and w/o my dog temporarily, I knew it was time to face my fear. I just needed to change my mindset.
God will put you in uncomfortable places in order to get comfortable & away from the people you don’t need to be holding on to. Sometimes it will be where you didn’t ask to be so that you can learn a thing a two about yourself and reach a level of power and independence that is unmatched. Your dependency for anything else is now on him. (Survival mode)
Being alone has been the most peaceful & exhilarating experience! I’ve been able to do more self reflection and evaluation for my self love/care journey and focus on my goals and passions as I lean on God as my company.
Syracuse University 2008
“Grey Area Rape aka Nonconsensual Experiences”
First of all...🙄🤔🧐|🗣 Rape is rape.
As a freshman, I was involved with an upperclassman that served as a peer leader in a program I was apart of. Coming from a failing relationship I was again, alone. When you go looking for love sometimes it’s not in places you hoped it would be..especially when you are left alone, literally. (There goes my autophobia again).
Imagine being in someone else’s dorm room playing cat & mouse and next thing you know your hands are held behind your back. You’ve already stated before you wanted to end all relations. I uttered the words NO & STOP but once I realized what was happening my words were already invalidated as “you just playing around”.
Apparently those words were not enough. I had to literally say “THE WORD”. Once I figured out the riddle it was already too late and I lost the game.
I wasn’t beat, I wasn’t battered..but I was violated against what I didn’t want to happen anymore.
Some would say I looked for it because I was in an situationship or because of my over-sexualized “look”. But really it was because I was at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
This sense of entitlement that a person feels they have because you have given them permission to access you before, is beyond me. It’s one thing where victims become the accused and another for them to accuse themselves. They live in this world of self-blame for situations they felt they put themselves in for creating “blurred lines”.
That folks is the furthest thing from the truth!
Testimony: I have realized how much of a domino effect that incident had in the trajectory of my life when it came to questioning my worthiness and value.
God would put you in situations that common sense should’ve taken you out of, but it’s important to note not all situations you called for nor is it your fault. Don’t allow fear to silence you and don’t allow being taken advantage of damage you. Realize your sexuality is not all you have to offer. Your sexuality is your power but it doesn’t have to be your pain!
A B O R T I O N
May 29 2015-16 weeks 3 days
There was a time in history.. I was actually pregnant & forced to have an abortion. I’ve stifled this as it was the MOST painful time to go through.
Completely unplanned as I thought it couldn’t happen for some time but it happened (sign #1) .
It was forced because my baby had a condition known as “𝐀𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐲”.
What the hell is that? I had no idea myself. Never heard of it in life. But it’s one of the most rarest conditions, not prevalent in women of color, that doesn’t have much research nor an explanation for it (sign #2)
Anencephaly is a neural tube defect that is formed during baby’s development. The brain is either underdeveloped or the skull hasn’t formed leaving the brain exposed to the amniotic fluid.
Because of this, I was left with the decision to carry the baby full term and have it die in my hands or save myself from the emotional turmoil I knew I wouldn’t recover from.
I chose the latter. I asked God over and over out of ALL the things...how did I end up with something that could not be explained ? Why did I have to go against everything I believed and who I was as a person? How do you explain unexplainable? Why did this happen to ME?
Clearly for me, He had to take drastic measures.
But after getting confirmation of normal test results and going through the pain.. THE PAIN..looking back now could I just tell you how much of a blessing in disguise that was?! 🙌🏾
1. I always and still believe in the tradition of marriage before having kids.
2. I was not in the financial nor stable position to care for a child, let alone with this condition.
3. I DEFINITELY wasn’t meant to be with that person.
Testimony: God can never be explained. He had bigger & greater plans for my life. All we know is what we go through, as painful as it will be, is to save us from ourselves but always being for our greater good.🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
A B U S E — Emotional/Mental
Feb 18 2019
I got hit in my sleep...."By accident” & woke all the way tf up. I woke up to a bleeding mouth & a busted lip. 🤦🏾♀️
I covered it with lipstick & a smile a week later.
That day I took a personal day just to sit in bed and question my whole existence, my worth. WTF was I thinking? Why am I here? Why did I stay? ...all questions you’ll ask yourself when you’ve realized you been in a toxic relationship. I was blinded to real love.
Every single instance of my decisions, rationale, sacrifices, attempts all came rushing to me to try to make sense that after everything, at the end of the day I still ended up in pain.
For years I remained an option in a relationship everyone warned, advised and consulted me about;my feelings always disregarded & disrespected. For years, I spent on & off trying to prove my worth...at the expense of hurting people because I knew I wasn’t going to leave and therefore separating myself from my friends and family.
Up to that date:
I’ve heard statements like
“ fcuk you”, “get the fcuk out”, “I don’t need you”,”it’s your fault”, “you know where the door is”, if you leave you can’t come back”,
“Where are going when you have no where else to go?”, & lastly
“𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐆𝐀𝐑𝐁𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐓𝐨 𝐌𝐞”. 😰
So why Nakeba? Why did you stay or kept going back?
My answer: Entitlement, History, & Autophobia.
I clearly didn’t love myself & at a time, I had to save the people who really did from my “baggage”. 💜
Testimony: When the mirror glass breaks from over your eyes, you finally realize and see all that others did for yourself. God shows you that this whole time while you were ignoring the signs, you didn’t deserve what you allowed. You are worth way more and at that point there was no trying or holding onto a ship that had been sunken, it was time to abandon ship and save yourself. It wasn’t until I left for good, all my blessings started to pour in for me & a self-love that is now untouchable had been discovered.
L O S S
Loss of loved ones, things, jobs, relationships, friendships we’ve all been here...
In understanding loss, is to understand how to let go..
To understand death is inevitable for all of us.. (we just don’t know where and when)
To understand that people are in our lives for a season, a reason, a purpose
That material things can’t go with you when you die
But...Nothing is worst than losing yourself.
Because of my autophobia letting go or loss hits way different. I couldn’t deal with people “leaving me”. I would hold on and cherish them for dear life.
The sickening part is that we still prefer to have people do the letting go since we don’t know how to.
Over the course of my life
I’ve lost a dear friend to a gruesome murder
My cousin to gun violence
My uncle to a tragic accident
My college/dear friend Devonna to cancer
My child to Anencephaly
& this year my two great uncles
Along with my dear Grandma to COVID
And my big sis Bridget (which both hit the hardest)
I’ve lost my home of 19 years I grew up in due to gentrification.
My car was broken into and everything I had left in there from moving was wiped clean (talk about starting over😒🤦🏾♀️)
In losing myself... I hurted people, let real love go, pushed away family and friends, turned away from God, and lived a life full of drinking and partying it became the norm to black out at events- I was merely existing and not living.
Testimony: In loss it’s learning to take comfort that God replaces that of which are gone with better. Loved ones have gone onto a better place with Him. Material possessions are replaced with new items, & with people there’s always someone new to meet or around the corner to be purposeful in your life. Those that are meant to stay will or come back, will. Once you find yourself, God creates a version of you that is better past. It’s those things that are lost in which are found. It’s the moment you have awaken you can be here to tell your story.
"In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past but you will find yourself”.